Bonding and the Missionary Task
Tom & Betty-Sue Brewster
"the Word
became Flesh and dwelt among us" (John 1:14).
We have a new little boy who was born into our home just a few
months ago. In preparing for his natural childbirth at home,
we were introduced to the concept of bonding.
In the animal world it is called imprinting. Most of us
remember the picture in our college psychology books of the
psychologist Konrad Lorenz being followed by ducklings. At the
critical time, right after hatching, Lorenz and the ducklings
were alone together and, from then on, they responded to him
as though he were their parent. The imprinted duck experiences
a sense of belonging to the man.
More recent
studies supporting the concept of bonding have been carried
out with a variety of animals, including goats, calves, and
monkeys. In each case, the infant and mother have an early
period of sensitivity right after birth. If mother and infant
are together at that time. a close bond results which can
withstand subsequent separations.
But if infant
and mother are separated immediately after birth, the infant
can become attached to a surrogate—a cloth doll, a different
adult animal, or even a human. If infant and mother are later
reunited, one or both may reject the other or at least not
respond to the other with normal attachment.
Studies of human
infants and mothers show the importance of bonding.
Apparently, just after birth, divinely designed psychological
and physiological factors in the newborn uniquely prepare him
to become bonded with his parents. Certainly the excitement
and adrenaline levels of both the child and his parents are at
a peak. The senses of the infant are being stimulated by a
multitude of new sensations. The birth is essentially an
entrance into a new culture with new sights, new sounds, new
smells, new positions, new environment, and new ways of being
held. Yet, at that particular time, he is equipped with an
extraordinary ability to respond to these unusual
circumstances.
People who
support home birth are concerned about the bonding process
between parents and the infant. An important collection of
research studies published in Maternal Infant Bonding
by Klaus and Kennell (St. Louis: Mosby Co.. 1976) is widely
read. It is pointed out that the non-drugged newborn is more
alert during the first day than at any time during the next
week or two. This was our experience as our son was full of
interest and curiosity for his first six hours, then, after
sleeping, he continued very alert for a few more hours.
These alert
hours are the critical time for bonding to occur—for a sense
of belonging to be established.
Typical American
hospital birth is not conducive to normal bonding for two
reasons. Hospital-born babies are usually drugged—groggy from
a variety of medications typically given to the laboring
mother. Neither the baby, nor mother then, has an opportunity
to experience the period of acute alertness immediately after
birth.
The other reason
normal bonding does not occur within the hospital
establishment is that the baby is typically snatched away from
his family and straightway placed In the isolation of the
nursery.
When normal
bonding does not occur, rejection can result. It has been
demonstrated, for example, that child abuse occurs far more
frequently with children who were bom prematurely and then
isolated from the mother for even a few days while being kept
in incubators (Klaus and Kennell, pp. 2-10).
Our desire to be
intimately together as a family and away from institutional
commotion in order to maximize the bonding opportunity for all
three of us (father included) was a major reason for choosing
home birth.
1. What is the main point the authors make about "bonding"?
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THE
MISSIONARY ANALOGY
There are some
important parallels between the infant's entrance into his new
culture and an adult's entrance into a new foreign culture. In
this situation the adult's senses, too are bombarded by a
multitude of new sensations, sights, sounds. and smells—but he
too is able to respond to these new experiences and even enjoy
them. Just as the participants in the birth experience, his
adrenaline is up and his excitement level is at a peak. Upon
arrival, he is in a state of unique readiness, both
physiologically and emotionally, to become a belonger in his
new environment. But then. ..
Just as the
infant is snatched away by the hospital establishment and put
into the isolation of the nursery, so the newly arrived
missionary is typically snatched away by the expatriate
missionary contingency and thus isolated from his new language
community.
He is ready to
bond—to become a belonger with those to whom he is called to
be good news. The timing is critical. Ducklings do not become
imprinted at any old time. Imprinting occurs at the critical
time. Bonding best occurs when the participants are uniquely
ready for the experience.
The way the new
missionary spends his first couple of weeks in his new country
is of critical importance if he is to establish a sense of
belonging with the local people.
It is not
uncommon for a baby to become bonded with hospital personnel
instead of with his own parents. The baby then cries when with
the mother and is comforted by the nurse. New missionaries,
too, tend to become bonded to the other expatriates
rather than to the people of the new society. It happens
subtly, maybe while the newcomer is subject to the hospitality
of an orientation time.
When his sense of belonging is established with the other
foreigners. It is then predictable that the missionary will
carry out his ministry by the "foray" method-he will live
isolated from the local people, as the other foreigners do,
but make a few forays out into the community each week,
returning always to the security of the missionary community.
Without bonding he does not have a sense of feeling at home
within the local cultural context. Thus, he does not pursue,
as a way of life, significant relationships in the community.
When normal bonding is not established, rejection of the
people, or even abuse, can occur—it is often reflected in the
attitude behind statements like, "Oh, these people! Why do
they always do things this way?" or. "Somebody ought to teach
them how to live!" or. "Won't these people ever learn?"
2. What kind of ministry approach may the non-bonded
missionary have?
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IMPLICATIONS OF BONDING FOR THE MISSIONARY TASK
A missionary is
one who goes into the world to give people an opportunity to
belong to God's family. He goes because he himself is a
belonger in this most meaningful of relationships. His life
should proclaim: "I belong to Jesus who has given me a new
kind of life. By my becoming a belonger here with you. God is
inviting you through me to belong to Him."
The missionary's
task thus parallels the model established by Jesus, who left
heaven, where He belonged, and became a belonger with
humankind in order to draw people into a belonging
relationship with God.
We are convinced
that the normal missionary newcomer is ready physiologically,
emotionally, and spiritually to become bonded with the people
of his new community. Fulfillment of this unique readiness
must be initiated at the time of arrival.
The timing is
critical.
During his first
couple of weeks, the newcomer is uniquely able to cope with
and even enjoy the newness of a foreign country and its
language. There have been months or even years of planning,
and his anticipation, excitement, and adrenaline are now at a
peak.
The newcomer who
is immediately immersed in the local community has many
advantages. If he lives with a local family, he can learn how
the insiders organize their lives, how they get their food and
do their shopping, and how they get around with public
transportation. During the first couple of months, he can
learn much about the insiders' attitudes and how they feel
about the ways typical foreigners live. As he experiences an
alternative lifestyle, he can evaluate the value of adopting
it for himself and his own family. On the other hand, the
missionary whose first priority is to get settled can only
settle in his familiar Western way and once this is done he is
virtually locked into a pattern that is foreign to the local
people.
Culture shock is
predictable for the missionary who has not bonded with the
local people of his new community but is much less likely for
the bonded person. The one who feels at home does not
experience culture shock.
In our first
culture it comes naturally for us to do things in a way that
works. We know which way to look for traffic as we step off
the curb, how to get a bus to stop for us, how to pay a fair
price for goods or services, how to get needed information,
etc.. etc.
But in a new
culture, the way to do things seems to be unpredictable. As a
result, newcomers experience a disorientatlon which can lead
to culture shock.
The new
missionary who establishes his sense of belonging with other
missionary expatriates has his entry cushioned by these
foreigners. It is generally thought that this cushioning is
helpful for the adjustment of the newcomer, whose arrival is
often planned to coincide with a field council pow-wow.
We would like to
suggest, however, that this cushioning is an unfortunate
disservice, because during the first two or three weeks the
newcomer would have been especially able to cope with the
unpredictable situations encountered in the new culture.
Indeed, he might even revel in all the variety. But the
critical first few days are the only time such a response is
likely. The way these days are spent is, therefore, of crucial
importance—and cushioning is the last thing he needs.
The first prayer
letter the cushioned missionary sends from the field will
typically describe his airport meeting with the local
missionaries, the accommodations provided by them. and the
subsequent orientation by these expatriates. After writing
about how he has been accepted by the other missionaries (one
of his high priorities), he will invariably close with
something like: "Our prayer request at this time is that we
will be accepted by the local people." A noble desire, but a
concern that is being expressed about three weeks too
late!--and now without a viable strategy to achieve the goal.
The initial blush of life in the new environment is now gone.
The Individual
who hopes to enter another culture in a gradual way will
probably fall to do so, and he may never enjoy the experience
of belonging to the people or having them care
for him.
Better to plunge
right in and experience life from the Insiders' perspective.
Live with the people, worship with them, go shopping with
them, and use their public transportation. From the very first
day it is important to develop many meaningful relationships
with local people. The newcomer should communicate early his
needs and his desire to be a learner. People help people who
are in need! Then, when potentially stressful situations come
up he can, as learner, secure help, answers, or insight from
these insiders. (The one who is being cushioned gets
outsiders' answers to insiders' situations, and his
foreignness and alienation are thereby perpetuated.)
A couple who
have chosen to be isolated from Western people during their
first months in a Muslim context wrote us about the victories
they have experienced:
My husband and I
knew before we left that we would have different types of
adjustments. I knew the hardest time for me would be at first,
and he felt that his hard times would occur after he had been
here a while. So it has been. I really had a hard time leaving
our family. But after I started getting out with the people
here, my homesickness faded. The local community has so warmly
received us. At Christmas, 125 of these friends came to our
Christmas celebration. And during that season, the closeness
of our interpersonal relationships amazed us.
The Lord has
blessed our work here, and my husband is discipling two Muslim
converts. We really have been alone in many ways. We supported
each other, but at times the burdens seemed so big and we
didn't have anyone else to talk to or look to for advice. But
I suppose that is why we have such good national friends.
Bonding is the
factor that makes it possible for the newcomer to belong to
"such good national friends." Of course there will be
stressful situations, but the bonded newcomer, experiencing
the wonder of close relationships, is able to derive support
from the network of the local friendships he has developed.
This, in turn, facilitates the acquisition of the insiders'
ways and gives a sense of feeling at home. The one who feels
at home may feel discouraged or even melancholy for a time,
and some cultural stress is to be expected, but it may not be
necessary to experience culture shock. Culture shock, like
severe post-partum blues, may be a problem of the structure
more than a problem of individuals.
3. Why does bonding help minimize culture shock?
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It is
significant to note that the new Muslim converts mentioned in
the letter above are the result of the ministry of relative
newcomers. At a time when other missionaries might typically
be experiencing the cushioning and isolation of a language
school, those who are bonded and carrying out their language
learning in the context of relationships in the new community
also have the opportunity to pursue the development of their
new ministry from the earliest days of language learning. A
few years ago the authors supervised the initial language
learning for a team of 11 newcomers in Bolivia. We published
an article describing that project in the April 1978
Evangelical Missions Quarterly:
. . .
Over 30 people came to know Christ as a result of the
involvement ministry that these new language learners were
able to develop during those (first) three months. Many of
these were either members of families with whom we were
living, or were on a route of regular listeners. In both
cases, as a result of the personal relationships that they had
developed, they were able to follow up and disciple the new
believers. Little wonder that this was a fulfilling experience
for these new language learners (p. 103).
Insights gained
through relationships can help to ensure, right from the
beginning, that the wheels of ministry are not only turning
but that they are on the ground and moving in a direction that
makes sense to the local people.
Bonding and
effective interpersonal ministry are realistic even for short-termers,
and should be encouraged and facilitated. (The rapid
international expansion of Mormonism is virtually all being
carried out by short-termers, most of whom immediately move in
with a local family and become belongers in the community. We
were recently told by a Cantonese man from Hong Kong that the
missionaries there who have learned the language best are
Mormons!)
Only a minimum
of the target language is needed to initiate bonding
relationships. For example, we recently received a letter with
the following comment: "The best thing that happened to me was
on the first day when you challenged us to take the little we
knew how to say and go talk with 50 people. I didn't talk with
50: I only talked with 44. But I did talk with 44."
(The "text" she was able to say that first day was limited to
a greeting and an expression of her desire to learn the
language: then she could tell people that she didn't know how
to say any more but she would see them again. She then closed
with a thank you and a leave-taking.) The ice was broken on
her very first day, and from then on, she was able to begin to
feel at home in her new community.
Having local
friendships is essential for feeling at home. A report
developed by a mission for whom we recently consulted on a
language learning project compared the 18 maximumly involved
learners with a control group of missionaries who had been
through language school. The report revealed that the
individuals of the control group (the resident missionaries)
each had an average of one close national friend, while each
of the learners—after only 11 weeks—had a minimum of 15 close
local friendships. Since each learner had had contacts with
dozens of local people, there were at least 1000 nationals who
had had positive experiences with the learners during the
weeks of the project. The report continued: "Who knows how all
of this low-level public relations will ultimately benefit
(the mission); it is highly improbable that it will be
detrimental. “ ‘Maximum involvement’ language learning is
where it's at."
4. Why does bonding offer great potential for immediate
ministry?
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Normal language
acquisition is essentially a social activity, not an academic
one. As a result, gaining proficiency in the language is
normal for the person who is deeply connected and has his
sense of belonging in the new society. But language study will
often be a burden and frustration for the one who is bonded to
other foreign missionaries.
It is therefore
important to facilitate an opportunity for new missionaries to
become bonded with (and hence belongers in) their new
community. New missionaries should be challenged with the
bonding objective and prepared to respond to the opportunity
to become a belonger.
Preparation
should include an orientation to the importance of bonding,
with a commitment to do so. A few sentences of the new
language that will be helpful for entry purposes could be
learned. Also, skills should be developed in how to carry on
language learning in the context of community relationships.
Then, most
important, from his first day he should be encouraged to
totally immerse himself in the life of the new community. He
should be permitted to choose to remain in isolation from
other missionaries for his first few months. He should seek to
worship with the people, away from churches where missionaries
lead or congregate.
Our observation
is that experienced but non-bonded missionaries can be a
primary obstacle to the new missionary who wishes to pursue
the bonding goal. We have, therefore, occasionally even
recommended that a new missionary arrive about three weeks
before the other missionaries expect him.
One learner
wrote: "The bonding concept motivated me to fly into Singapore
early with no prior contacts or housing set up. This is what I
wrote in my journal: I discovered it was actually good to be
alone when breaking into a new culture — It especially adds to
the expectation of what God will do! Even though I was fearful
and lonely at times, I was much hungrier and eager and able to
hear His voice and discern His will. And, of course, I found
many who were willing to help me.'"
If a newcomer is
going to successfully establish himself as a belonger, live
with a local family and learn from relationships on the
streets, a prior decision and commitment to do so is
essential. Without such a prior commitment it doesn't happen.
When we have
accompanied missionary learners at the time of their entry
into other countries, we have found that a prior preparation
of perspectives and expectations is helpful. We therefore
expect all participants in projects we supervise to meet four
conditions:
1. Be willing to
live with a local family.
2. Limit
personal belongings to 20 kilos.
3. Use only
local public transportation.
4. Expect to
carry out language learning in the context of relationships
that the learner himself is responsible to develop and
maintain.
A willingness to
accept these conditions tells a lot about an individual's
attitude and flexibility.
With a prepared
mentality, a newcomer is freed to creatively respond to the
bonding and learning opportunities that surround him. We have
seen that with a prior decision to do so. it is almost always
possible to live with a local family (though non-bonded senior
missionaries are typically pessimistic). Our experience is
that the new missionary—whether single, married, or even with
children—can successfully live with a local family immediately
upon arrival. (Live-in options may be multiplied with sleeping
bags.) We have seen newcomers find their own families by
learning to say something like: "We want to learn your
language. We hope to find a family to live with for about
three months, and we will pay our expenses. Do you know of a
possible family?" It would be unusual to say this "text" to 50
people without getting at least some positive response—a
mediator to help you or a family to live with.
5. Why is bonding important for the language learner?
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We do not intend
to imply that immediate and total immersion in a new culture
is without risk. There is no other time with so much stress
and danger as birth; and entry into a new culture has its own
accompanying stress and risk factors. It is likely, however,
that the stress and risk components themselves are essential
to the formation of the unique chemistry that makes imprinting
and bonding possible.
And there is
another side to the risk question. If one doesn't take the
initial risk and seek to establish himself comfortably with
the new society, then he is opting for long-term risk. It
seems that one or the other cannot be avoided. The problem of
missionary casualties suggests that there is a heavy price to
be paid by those who fail to become belongers. Probably half
do not return for a second term, and some who stay, despite
ineffectiveness, may be greater casualties than those who go
back home.
Indeed it is not
easy to live with a family, make friends with numerous
strangers, and learn the language, but neither is it easy to
continue as a stranger without close friendships and without
knowing cultural cues, living a foreign lifestyle with all the
time, effort, and alienation that that entails.
Once the new
learner is securely established as a belonger, he need not
relate exclusively with the local people—he has not rejected
either
America nor Americans. The bonded missionary will probably
continue to live and minister with the local people, but after
the first few weeks it might not be detrimental from the
bonding perspective for him to participate in occasional
activities with other expatriates. It might even be helpful
for him to spend Saturday evenings with other learners or a
supervisor.
[The question
has been raised: 'What about missionaries who go to the field
as a team?" A team is a team because its members share certain
commitments. As a group they can decide that each will become
bonded in the local culture, and they can encourage each other
in the pursuit of that goal. For the initial months, a sharing
time each week or so should be sufficient to maintain their
commitments to
each other.]
The concept of
bonding implies a bicultural individual with a healthy
self-image. Bonding and "going native" are not the same thing.
"Going native" generally implies the rejection of one's first
culture—a reaction which is seldom seen and which may not be
possible for normal, emotionally stable individuals. Nor is
being bicultural the same as being schizophrenic. The
schizophrenic is a broken, fragmented self. But the bicultural
person is developing a new self—a new personality.
The bonding
strategy and the development of this new acculturated
personality can be symbolized and greatly facilitated by
taking on a new name, preferably an insider's name. For each
of us our name is closely associated with our view of who we
are—our self image. As we join a new culture our goal is to
develop a new self, a bicultural self. We need a new self that
will feel at home with the people of our new culture. We need
a "self' that is relatively free of our adult inhibitions, a
self that will free us to fill the potential of our new roles
and responsibilities.
In the
Scriptures we have the record of many people whose names were
changed to fit their changed circumstances. The Lord changed
some: Abram, Sarai, Jacob to
Israel, Solomon
to Jedidiah, Pashhur to Magor-Missabib (The man who lives in
terror. Jer 20:3), and Simon to Cephas which translated means
Peter. Daniel and his friends were given Babylonian names:
Belteshazzar, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Naomi chose to
be called Mara, and Saul became Paul.
We too,
experience the significance of changed names in various ways:
Women symbolize the belonging relationship of marriage by
taking on the husband's name (we know a couple who both took a
new last name, Doulos—the Greek word for servant, when they
were married): movie stars develop a new image behind a new
name; in orthodox churches, vows to God are often accompanied
by the novitiate receiving a new name. Even cities and
countries are changing their names as they become free from
colonialism or choose to identify with a different
perspective. Recent changes include
Zaire, Zimbabwe,
Ghana, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Istanbul, Harare.
Names mean a
lot. Some missionaries used to require converts to take on
"Christian" names: Fred, Mary, etc! Mzee Jomo Kenyatta's first
name was Kamau Ngengl. As a child in a Christian school he was
required to choose a Western name. He wanted John Peter but
was forbidden to choose two, so he ingeniously chose for
himself Johnstone, and got the "Peter" in anyway. The name "Kenyatta"
came later and served him well as the father of his newly
independent country.
It will be much
easier to develop a bicultural self-image if a new name is
adopted around which the new personality can grow. We
personally know many missionaries who have been given a local
name as a result of talking about it with the people: Rafik
(Friend) in Urdu, Dimakatso (Wonderful Surprise) in Tswana,
and "Sara Child" (One who belongs to us) in Sara. Often an
adaptation of one's own name is sufficient if it is
appropriate as an insider's name in the new society: Tomas,
Marcos, etc. In some societies the use of a local kinship name
might be best.
The new name
with its newly developing personality does not have an
established self-image to protect, and it can therefore be
free to behave in uninhibited, creative, and childlike ways:
it can make mistakes and try, try again. With his newly
developing personality the individual can feel at home in his
second culture. For the Christian missionary, the process of
becoming bicultural can begin with the recognition that God in
His sovereignty does not make mistakes in creating us with our
first ethnicity. Yet in His sovereignty He may step in and
touch us on the shoulder, as it were, and call us to go and be
good news to a people of a different ethnicity.
To become a
belonger in a legal sense, through formal immigration, might
also be considered by some serious missionaries. Immigration
need not imply a rejection of one's first country, but rather
acceptance of a new one. Throughout history, people have
immigrated for political, economic, religious, and marriage
reasons. The challenge of reaching a people for Christ should
have the potential to similarly motivate some of Christ's
bond-servants. The missionary's heavenly citizenship should
lift him above the provincialism and ethnocentrism of a
continuing allegiance to a country where, in obedience to
Christ, he no longer lives. This "recovered pilgrim spirit"
was the challenge presented by Joseph F. Conley in a recent
Regions Beyond editorial (December. 1979).
For most
missionaries, the West is home. That is where he goes when
he's sick, and when the going gets too rough he can always
return to blend in with the scenery. Tomorrow the quick
retreat may be cut off. We may be forced to relive those days
when missionaries went abroad, never expecting to return. Many
governments which refuse entry to missionary expatriates, hold
the door open to naturalized citizens of colonizing
communities. The Moravians led the way in this as they set up
Christian colonies around the world.
Surrender of
treasured citizenship admittedly calls for a rare variety of
commitment. But is that unthinkable? To such our Lord's words
will find new and glowing exegesis. "He that hath forsaken
lands. . . . for My sake . . . shall receive an hundredfold
and shall inherit everlasting life."
6. What are the risks involved in bonding? How do these
compare to the risk of not becoming
bonded?
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The bonded
missionary, because he is a belonger, has the opportunity to
gain an empathic understanding of insiders' ways, their
feelings, desires, attitudes, and fears. He can listen with
sensitivity to their otherwise hidden values, concerns, and
motives. Thus he can acquire insights and adopt habits of
lifestyle and ministry that will enable him to be good news
from the perspective of local people in order to draw them
into a belonging relationship with God.
Bonding is
therefore a perspective many missionaries may choose to value
and a goal they may choose to pursue. Making this kind of
significant cultural adjustment is not easy, but it is
possible, especially if initiated at the critical time for
bonding.
In summary, we
have observed that the newcomer goes through a critical time
for establishing his sense of identity and belonging during
his first few weeks in a new country. If he becomes a belonger
with expatriates, he may always remain a foreigner and
outsider. But at this crucial time he has the unique
opportunity to establish himself as a belonger with insiders,
in order to live and learn and minister within their social
context.
